


Absolutely Positive

by charmed7293



Category: Rise of the Guardians (2012)
Genre: Drug Addiction, Family Feels, HIV, M/M, Medical issues, hot dad au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-29
Updated: 2015-04-29
Packaged: 2018-03-26 07:14:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3841885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charmed7293/pseuds/charmed7293
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Jack starts feeling exceptionally tired, to the point that he can't get out of bed, Koz starts to worry.  Not that he ever stops, but Jack goes to the doctor to calm him down.  It turns out to be a lot more serious than they could ever expect.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Absolutely Positive

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't posted anything in about a year, but I figure now's a good time as any. It's my last day of undergraduate classes and the day I hand in my thesis paper. This past semester, I've been working on this story in a fiction writing workshop. I basically just wrote it as a GoldenFrost fanfic based on the Hot Dad AU and then changed the names. hahaha I'm really just glad to have finished something I've been meaning to write for over a year.

The harsh sound of his alarm pulls Koz out of the blackness of sleep.  He flops his arm in the direction of his bedside table, hoping to hit the snooze button.  He rolls over to look at Jack, who hasn’t moved.  Koz frowns; this has been common the past few days.  Jack’s usually a heavy sleeper, but he would at least make a sound of discontent and pull the blankets over his head.  Now, he doesn’t even bury his face into the pillow.  Nor does he have any reaction when Koz kisses Jack on his cheek or jostles the bed as he gets up.

Koz can’t stop worrying as he showers and shaves.  When he’s back in the bedroom, getting dressed, he doesn’t bother to be quiet, yet Jack still doesn’t stir.  As he pulls the knot on his tie, Jack’s alarm—some pop song Koz doesn’t know—on his cell phone goes off.  Jack doesn’t make any move to grab his phone and Koz tentatively rests his hand on his shoulder, trapped between letting Jack sleep and waking him up.  If all the noise didn’t wake him up, then he must need the sleep, but Koz is worried!  Also, he has no idea how to shut off the alarm on Jack’s phone.

Shaking Jack’s shoulder, Koz plays with the controls on the cell phone, trying to find a way to at least turn the volume down.  He can’t stand this song.  Jack slowly wakes up with lethargic blinks and Koz abandons his attempts.

“Hmm?” Jack mumbles.

“Good morning,” Koz says.  “How did you sleep?”

Jack looks around blearily before finally focusing on Koz.  Even then, it seems it takes him a moment to register Koz is there.  “What . . .”

“Your alarm is going off.”

“Huh?  Oh!  Oh shit, I have work!”  Jack tries to push himself up, but his arms shake with the effort.

“Lie back down,” Koz admonishes.  “There’s no way you’re going to work in your state.”

“But—”

“If you’re having trouble waking and sitting up, then you’re in no shape to be working on cars at the garage.”

Jack sighs, but lies back down, looking ready to fall right back asleep.  “But I’ve been late every day this week . . . and I’ve been moving really slow, so I have a lot to catch up on.”

“Well, if you can stand up on your own, feel free to go.”  Koz steps back and watches Jack with an amused look, knowing he won’t succeed, but will try anyway.

Jack returns his looks with a smile.  “Of course I can do that!”

He rolls off the bed, his feet hitting the floor.  Jack pushes himself up and sways on his feet for a moment before Koz has to catch him.

“You also have to _stay_ standing,” Koz says.

“Okay, fine,” Jack admits, “operating machinery is probably not a good idea.”

Chuckling, Koz helps a still-reluctant Jack back into bed.  He hands him the cell phone.  “Here.  Now turn your alarm off and call in sick to work.”

He leaves to get Jack a glass of water and some ibuprofen, but by the time he gets back, Jack is asleep, his phone pressed between his cheek and the pillow.  Koz hears his boss’ voice coming from it, asking if Jack is still there.  Shaking his head, he teases out the phone to apologize and explain things to the boss.  After he hangs up, he writes Jack a quick note, telling him he’s going to call around lunchtime to make sure he at least called to schedule a doctor’s appointment.

Downstairs, Sera is eating breakfast.  She glances up at him from her bowl of cereal as he enters the kitchen and her face immediately clouds with concern.

“What’s wrong?” she asks.

“Nothing for _you_ to worry about,” Koz says, turning on the coffee maker.  “Just worry about the math test you have today.”

“I told you—I studied for it!” Sera protests.  “But there _is_ something _you’re_ worried about.  Which means _I’m_ going to worry about _you_.”

Koz turns to get an orange from the fruit bowl so Sera won’t see his wince.  She’s always been perceptive and that has only sharpened now that she’s a teenager.  “Jack’s just sick and is trying to push himself more than he should.”

“Oh my god, you’re such a dork, Dad!” Sera exclaimed.  “There’s no need to freak out about a fucking cold!”

“Language!  And I know it’s probably just the flu or something, but I can’t help it.  Now grab your notebook and let’s go.  It’s time for some last minute studying on the way to school.”

Sera groans into her Cheerios.

* * *

Koz checks the time throughout the morning.  Being trapped in a cubicle makes time go by slowly enough on its own and that only makes it worse.  He’s slightly relieved when Jack sends him a text around 10:30, saying that he’s awake, though Koz still calls during his lunch break.  Jack picks up on the second ring.

“Hey, I have an appointment at 1:15.”

Koz laughs.  “That was surprisingly easy.  I expected you to argue and I would have to convince you.”

“It’s only because I knew you would worry if I didn’t.”

Koz laughs again, more to himself, knowing full well that is completely true.  “Well, good luck.  And call me when you get out.  I want to know you’re okay.”

“Of course.  I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

With his mind eased—at least a little bit—the rest of the day goes by much more quickly.  Koz manages not to look at his phone or the time until Sera texts him to let him know she’s home from school.  He texts back, asking if Jack is home yet, but she doesn’t respond.  He doesn’t think much of it, since Sera usually sequesters herself in her room with her laptop after school, but when Jack doesn’t call or text his paranoia gets the better of him.  Considering the circumstances, he can’t help it.  He _must_ be out of the doctor’s appointment by now.

* * *

Jack stands just outside the door to his doctor’s office, the bright sunlight a harsh contrast to the muted lighting inside.  He has to squint to see, but the mild annoyance he feels with the sun is nothing compared to the fear overtaking him.  He never imagined the exhaustion plus the swelling around his neck and throat could mean something _this bad_.

He doesn’t know how long he stands there, trying to process things.  His eyes adjust to the light until his drooping eyelids have nothing to do with squinting and everything to do with how tired he is.  Jack finally forces himself to move, heading to where he vaguely remembers parking his truck.

Climbing into it takes more effort than it should have.  Jack has to pause for a moment, gripping the steering wheel, as exhaustion and panic nearly take over.

“I just need to get home,” he says out loud.  “Just get home and, once I’m there, I can let all of it out.  Koz will be there soon.  I won’t be alone.”

Jack pushes off the possibility that Koz won’t want to stay with him and eases out of the parking lot.  He’s not paying as much attention to the road as he should be and he honestly doesn’t remember much of the ride by the time he pulls into the driveway.  He doesn’t move; Koz is still at work and Jack doesn’t want to go into an empty house.

He jumps at the opening notes of his ringtone.  A glance at the caller ID reveals it’s Koz and he has to take a deep breath and brace himself before answering.

“Hello?”

“Jack?  How did the doctor’s go?”

“Um, it was . . .” Jack starts before hesitating.  “I’ll tell you when you get home.”

“Why not now?”  Panic is creeping into Koz’s voice.  “Is everything okay?”

“This is just something you need to hear in person.”

“. . . I’m coming home right now.”

“Koz!  There’s no need for that, it’s just . . .”

“If it’s not a big deal, then why can’t you tell me right now?”

Jack sighs.  “Fine.  I should’ve known that would only make you worry more.”

“Yes, you should have.  I’ll be home soon.”

* * *

“Thanks for the ride,” Sera says to Gabe, her friend from school.  “See you tomorrow.”

“Can I come in?” he asks.

Sera considers for a moment.  Usually, no one is home after school, so she’s been sneaking Gabe up to her room for some make-out sessions, smuggling him out before Jack or Koz get home from work.  Lately, though, Jack has been home early, basically ruining everything.  Today is no different and she sighs heavily.

“You _can_ see Jack’s car in the driveway, right?”

“Yeah, but it doesn’t hurt to ask,” Gabe says with a smile.  “You should come to my place, someday.  Maybe we’ll actually be able to do something, then.”

“We’ll see,” Sera says, waving behind her as she heads toward the house.  She likes Gabe—he’s cute and genuinely nice—but she’s getting a bit tired of him.  Besides, there’s this gorgeous cheerleader in English class who keeps giving Sera eyes and she is _far_ more interested in her at the moment.

As Gabe drives off, Sera notices that Jack appears to still be in his truck.  She approaches curiously and reaches up to rap on the window, startling him.

“Don’t do that!” he exclaims, voice muffled, but loud enough Sera can still hear.  She just snickers in response.

“What are you doing sitting out here?” she asks as Jack opens the door and jumps out of the truck.  She fishes in her bag for her keys to unlock the house.

“Just . . . thinking.”  Jack sighs.

“I don’t think you should do that.  Not only is it probably extremely strenuous for you, but you seem pretty fucking miserable.”

With a snort, Jack says, “That’s one way to put it.”

“Whatever.”  She opens the door and tosses her keys on the counter.  She expects Jack to follow and close the door behind him, but he’s still standing outside.  “Are you coming in or . . .”

Jack is frozen just outside the door.  This close, Sera can see the dark circles under his eyes.

“Okay, something is actually wrong,” Sera declares, crossing her arms.  “What is it?”

Jack takes a deep breath and says, “Let’s go inside and talk.”

* * *

Koz never realized how much rush-hour traffic prolongs his travel time, but now he’s extremely grateful for a shortened journey home.  He pulls into the driveway in record time, parking haphazardly beside Jack’s truck, which also looks as if it hasn’t been given the best parking job.  That’s a cause for concern all on its own; Jack takes such good care of that truck that it’s unusual for him to treat it so poorly.

Heading inside, he hears voices coming from the living room.  Jack and Sera are sitting on the couch, talking calmly in low voices.  That’s enough to give Koz pause.  When he and Jack first started dating, Sera wasn’t Jack’s biggest fan.  She was used to having her dad all to herself and unused to him being with anyone but her mother.  Dating after his divorce was strange for Koz, too, and he knew it would take her a while to get used to it.  It wasn’t until Jack made it clear to Sera he wanted to _join_ her family, not tear it apart, she warmed up to him.  The two do get along now, though it’s through banter and teasing, so talking as they are now is unusual.

As soon as they notice him, they fall silent.  Sera gives him a solemn look for a moment before sliding off the couch and retreating upstairs.

Jack pulls his knees to his chest and gives him a wan smile.  “Hey.”

“What’s wrong?” Koz crosses the room to sit next to Jack.  He puts a hand on his knee and Jack places his own over it.

“It’s not good,” Jack admits.

“What is it?”

Jack takes a shaky breath before continuing.  “The doctor thinks I might be HIV positive.”

Koz loosens his grip as Jack tightens his.  His stomach turns to ice and chases all air from his lungs.  He stares at Jack, trying to process all the implications of that statement.

“The test can take up to two weeks to process, so we don’t know for sure,” Jack continues, “but considering my past, it’s highly likely.”

“B-but you’ve _been_ tested.  We _both_ have,” Koz protests.

“HIV can take months to manifest.  It could have been lying dormant since then.”

Jack’s staring off into the distance, like he does when he’s trying not to cry.  Koz pulls his hand out from under Jack’s and he glances over at him with a panicked look.  Koz quickly wraps his arms around Jack, not wanting him to think he was pulling away from him, never wanting him to think that.

Jack’s hands fist in the back of his shirt, holding on just as tightly.  He starts talking again, voice muffled, “You need to get tested again, too.  Just in case.  I would feel awful . . . if . . .”

Koz can’t even think about that right now.  Of course, it will be something he needs to address eventually, but right now he’s focused on Jack and the one thing he said that gives him a bit of hope.  “You said the results haven’t come in yet.  There’s still a chance that’s not what it is.”

Jack pulls back, only enough so he can look Koz in the face.  “I used to be a druggie, Koz, you know that.  I made some stupid, _dangerous_ decisions.  We all shared needles and reused them and would be too high to remember to use a condom.  I don’t do anything like that now, but I would still be _lucky_ if I wasn’t HIV positive.”

“But there’s still a chance.”

“I can’t let myself have that hope.”

* * *

That night, Koz lies in bed, staring at the ceiling, just visible in the moonlight filtering through the slats in the blinds.  He can’t even fathom sleeping.

“Are you still awake?” Jack whispers.

Surprised, Koz turns to look at Jack.  His eyes are wide open, despite the bags under him and the way he had nodded off in Koz’s embrace that afternoon.  “Yeah.”

“For once, I don’t feel that tired.  There’s so much going on in my mind there’s no room to think about how tired I am.  I guess that’s one good thing that came out of this situation,” he says with a wry smile and a breath of a laugh.

Koz shakes his head, honestly impressed that Jack managed to find some humor in this situation, no matter how dark it is.

“The one thing I keep coming back to is that there’s still so many things I want to do.”

“We can still do them!”

“But everything’s changed now—”

“Things may be different, but they’re not over,” Koz says confidently.  Jack still looks troubled, so he wraps an arm around his waist and pulls him closer.  He falls asleep to his hands in Jack’s hair and Jack’s breath at his throat.

When he wakes up, both sensations are gone.  He blinks groggily in the near-darkness of the room, realizing his alarm isn’t what woke him up.  It shouldn’t for—he glances at the clock—another two hours.  Before he can think about going back to sleep, he hears noise coming from downstairs and remembers Jack isn’t in bed.

He walks down the stairs, avoiding the creaky spots, and heads for the kitchen, where the noise is coming from.  Squinting in the bright light, he is surprised to see Jack pulling out some pans to make breakfast.  Not that he doesn’t cook—it’s just not something he usually does at _five in the morning_.

“Why’re you ‘wake?” Koz slurs, padding over to drape his arms over Jack’s shoulders and rest his chin on his head.

Jack briefly hugs Koz’s arms to his chest before going back to the pans.  “I couldn’t sleep.  And I’ve always wanted to have breakfast in bed, so I decided to take the initiative.”

“I guess I should go back upstairs and await it then.”

“Nope!  Now that you’re downstairs you have to help.  Go get the eggs out of the fridge.”

Koz grumbles, but is secretly glad to be spending time with Jack.  They’ve both been so caught up in work lately that there hasn’t been much time for moments like this.  They scramble the eggs and fry some bacon, piling it onto a tray with some coffee and orange juice.  Koz is insisting he carry the tray up the stairs when Sera appears in the doorway, a storm in her eyes.

“I _was_ sleeping,” she spits out through gritted teeth, “but some people decided it was a good idea to make breakfast at the asscrack of dawn—”

“Language!”

“—so now I’m awake and they should offer that food to me as tribute.”

Koz glances at Jack worriedly, wondering how he’s going to take being denied his breakfast in bed, but he’s already at the cabinet, pulling out a third plate.

“Koz, split our plates up while I get ‘Her Highness’ some orange juice.”

He sighs internally in relief and does as he’s told, just happy things are going so smoothly.  He eats in silent amusement as Jack teases Sera about missing out on her beauty sleep and Sera teases Jack about having such a lame jab.

As soon as Sera’s done eating, she thunders back upstairs, leaving them to take care of her dishes.

“Brat!” Jack calls after her, not quite sounding like he means it.

“Are you okay with not having the breakfast in bed?” Koz asks, looking at Jack in concern.

Jack doesn’t miss a beat.  “Having breakfast with my family is just as good.”

* * *

It takes Koz a lot of effort to drag himself to work after such a fun—and early—morning.  Once he’s there, he can’t stop thinking about Jack.  He went to work today, despite Koz’s protests that he should sleep.  Koz finds himself caught between wanting Jack to rest and feel better and letting him do what he wants and be happy.  He knows it’s up to Jack and he has no say, but he’s still concerned.

That concern distracts him all day and he can’t concentrate on anything he’s supposed to be doing.  He already missed a lot of work yesterday when he went home early, so he really needs to finish up this project.  There’s no way he’s going to get it done before he leaves, at least not without some help.

During his break, Koz decides to seek out Aster, his coworker who was hired around the same time he was.  Koz finds him in the outdoor smoking area, puffing away on a cigarette.

“What’s up?” Aster asks as he approaches the picnic bench he’s sitting on.  He turns his head to the side and blows out a cloud of smoke, but Koz still catches a whiff.  Though the whole area smells like cigarettes, it has a staleness to it that can’t compare to the fresh nicotine.

“I need your help with something.”

“Sure, but what could you possibly need help with?  You’re always so on top of things.”

“I’ve just . . . been a little stressed lately and can’t focus.”

“You know what would help you relax?”  Aster taps the end of his cigarette to knock the ashes off, holding up the pack it came from.

Koz hesitates.  He hasn’t smoked in years, not since Sera was a little girl.  In fact, it’s because of Sera that he quit to begin with; he can’t be doing the very thing he lectures her to never do.  She would think he’s such a hypocrite.  And what would _Jack_ think?  Jack left behind drugs of all kinds—including tobacco and alcohol—when he got clean.  It means so much to him that Koz doesn’t smoke anymore and the possibility he’s HIV positive would make things so much worse.

But all craving comes roaring back as he looks at the cigarette Aster is holding out to him.  Koz remembers smoking with him and some other coworkers when he first started working here, in the same area he’s standing in right now.  Very few things have changed, from the benches placed in a loose circle, to the plastic outdoor ashtray.  It all reminds him of the smoke filling his lungs, the cool burn of menthol, the relaxation it brought.  Suddenly, the thought of spending the rest of the day without smoking that cigarette is unbearable.

“That sounds fantastic actually.”

The brand Aster smokes isn’t the same as his—Marlboro Lights to his Camel Silvers—but it sounds good enough, even without the menthol.  He selects one from the pack and, borrowing his Bic, he lights up.

The first drag is wonderful and everything seems to settle.  His buzzing mind is quieted and bliss descends upon him.  He sits down on the bench beside Aster to chat as he finishes the cigarette.

* * *

On the way home, Koz decides to stop at a convenience store to get a pack of gum, to hopefully disguise the smell of tobacco on his breath.  He grabs the mintiest-looking brand from the stand next to the cash register and waits in line.  That’s when he notices the wall of cigarettes behind the cashier and his craving comes roaring back.

He’s never felt tempted by that display before, but, then again, he’s never been tempted when hanging out in the smoking area.  It’s always there, like a tickle in the back of his throat, but he’s been able to ignore it, to tamp it down into barely nothing.  But now with the taste of them on his tongue as he looks at those red Marlboro triangles and those green Newport stripes, knowing that just under those is that stupid fucking camel that holds the most soothing flavor he’s ever inhaled into his lungs—it hits him like a truck.

There are two people in front of him in line.  He has two people to decide whether or not he wants to give into the temptation.  It’s a no brainer at first.  He knows from experience that nothing else can make his craving go away: no amount of Nicorette gum or hard candy or tobaccoless cigarettes.  Then, he thinks about Jack and what he will say.  He will be so disappointed and hurt that Koz bought a whole pack of cigarettes, but . . . he doesn’t have to know.  He can just keep the pack in his bag.  Jack never goes in there; he’ll never find out.

His gaze stays fixated on the cigarettes as the two people in front check out.  When it gets to his turn, he hesitates. Jack . . . his craving . . . Jack . . . his craving . . .

It shouldn’t be a hard decision, but it _is_.  It’s more difficult than even deciding to call Jack after he first slipped his number into his pocket at that nightclub they first met at.  And that had been _hard_.

“Is that all, sir?” the cashier asks and Koz’s response is automatic.

“A pack of Camel Silvers,” he says, wincing even as the words come out of his mouth.  Well, it’s too late to go back now.  He automatically reaches for his license, but the cashier has already rung up his cigarettes and is holding them out to him.  He isn’t sure if the fact that he just bought the cigarettes or the “We card under 40!” sign disheartens him more.  Then he decides the most disheartening thing is that the pack costs over $10.  Since when are cigarettes so expensive!

 _In the years you grew to be a responsible adult who didn’t sneak behind his partner’s back or set a terrible example for his daughter_ , his subconscious tells him.  God, he can’t wait to get outside to light one up and shut it up.

Thinking quickly, he grabs a disposable Bic lighter, pays, and walks out the automatic door.  He smokes a cigarette, savoring it while limiting himself to only one before forcing himself to get in the car and drive home.

The taste of the tobacco still lingers on his tongue as he pulls into the driveway, despite the two sticks of gum he chewed; however, the gum has done nothing to cover the taste of guilt.

Going inside and putting his bag on the kitchen counter near the garage door, he listens to see what the other residents of the house might be up to.  Sera’s music plays from upstairs and the television is blaring far too loud from the living room.  He heads in there to find Jack sitting on the couch, his laptop perched on his knees.  He’s paying much more attention to that screen, though he spares a second to glance up at Koz.

“Hey,” Koz says, reaching for the remote to turn the volume down.

“Welcome home,” Jack responds.  “I’ve been looking up stuff about HIV and there’s a bunch of resources for people with HIV positive partners.  You should check this out.”

Koz hesitantly sits down on the couch beside Jack.  He doesn’t want to get too close to Jack because he might smell the tobacco, but he also doesn’t want him to think he’s trying to put distance between them.

“What does it say?” he asks.

Jack looks over at him with a smile that quickly fades.  His nose wrinkles and Koz’s stomach sinks.  “Did you smoke?”

Maybe he can still salvage this.  “No, um, I was just out in the smoking area, talking to Aster.  You remember him, ri—”

“Then why does your _breath_ smell like cigarettes?”

Koz doesn’t have anything to say to that, which is enough of an answer for Jack.

“So you did smoke?  Not only that, but you tried to lie about it?”  Jack looks more hurt and disappointed than angry and it’s so much worse.  “Why?”

Koz stands and runs a hand through his hair.  How can he possibly explain this?  “I’ve just been really stressed lately, with . . . everything that’s been going on—”

“I’m sorry, but _you’re_ stressed?!” Jack exclaims.  He slams the laptop shut with a snap, moving it off his lap to stand as well.  “How do you think _I_ feel?  If you’re really struggling, then come _talk_ to me.  We should communicate!  And if you really have a problem with all this, then maybe I should just leave.”

Koz’s eyes widen.  “That’s the exact opposite of what I want, Jack.”

“It doesn’t seem like that.”

“ . . . I’m sorry.”

Jack takes a deep breath, rubbing at his forehead.  “Let’s start communicating right now: I’m upset.”

“That’s completely understandable.  And I’m sorry.  Both in that I’m apologizing and that I’m pathetic.”

Jack snorts and looks up at him.  “Don’t say that.  I know how hard it can be, so maybe I overreacted a bit.  Okay, a lot.  I shouldn’t have said I was going to leave.  I don’t want that either.”

“Well, I shouldn’t’ve lied.”  Koz ignores the fact that he’s still lying by not telling Jack about the entire pack he bought, but if he’s this upset about just one cigarette, then it’s best that’s kept from him.  “I _do_ know you’re going through a lot and that’s what’s making me so stressed.  I’m always going to worry about you, especially now.”

“Oh, I know.  But I’m scared and there’s not really anything I can say to reassure you.”

Jack’s expression feels like shards of glass piercing his heart.  Koz swiftly sits back down next to Jack and pulls him into a hug.  “That’s why we need to know what to expect.  Let’s look at what you found on the computer.”

Jack nods into his shoulder, but doesn’t pull away to grab his laptop.

* * *

Sera lies on her bed and lets her loud music drown out all other thoughts in her head.  School sucked more than usual because she was so distracted the _whole_ fucking day.  She couldn’t keep up with her friends’ gossip at lunch and didn’t even get to prove to her English teacher that she actually read _To Kill a Mockingbird_!  The memory of her conversation with Jack when he came home from the doctor’s office yesterday kept finding its way to the front of her mind all day.

With a growl of frustration, she launches herself off her bed and grabs her laptop.  She methodically— _thanks, SAT Prep_ , she thinks—closes every tab open in Chrome, hoping that will help clear her mind.  Pages of info about HIV and living with people who have it disappear one-by-one.  The music isn’t helping anymore, so she closes iTunes as well.

She sighs and swings open her door, planning on heading downstairs for a snack.  Hopefully her dad isn’t home yet to yell at her for eating before dinner.  At the top of the stairs, she pauses at the sound of Jack’s raised voice.

“I’m sorry, but _you’re_ stressed?!  How do you think _I_ feel?”

He keeps talking, but more quietly now, so she can’t make it out.  She bites her lip.  There’s no way she can go downstairs now.  She doesn’t want to see Jack and her dad fighting.  In fact, she wishes she didn’t hear it at all.  If there’s one thing she hates about getting older, it’s being able to understand problems like that and being unable to ignore them.  Even though her parents separated when she was three, she didn’t understand what “divorce” _really_ meant until she was ten.  And by that point she was too old to throw a tantrum when leaving Mom’s house after the weekend was over because she _had_ to go back to Dad’s or they would get in trouble.  It also meant she understood what it meant when the court ruled that her mom was unfit to be a parent and gave full custody to her dad.

It still didn’t make it hurt any less.

She doesn’t want her dad and Jack to fight and break up and lose each other.  All she wants is her dad to be happy with someone he loves and Jack is exactly that for him.

Deciding it’s best not to go downstairs just now, she retreats back to her room, where she stays until around dinnertime.  When she hears pots and pans clanking around, she heads down to the kitchen.  Her dad is standing in front of the stove, pouring pasta into a pot of boiling water.  He turns and grins as she walks over to him.

“Hey, how was school?”

“Sucked ass,” she says, stepping up to hug him.  While her dad is a very affectionate person, Sera is more aloof, like her mom was.  She loves her family, but it’s harder for her to express it—in conventional ways, at least—but, right now, she needs some comfort.  Also, she hopes it will be a distraction from her swearing.

Her dad only pauses in shock for a moment before hugging her back.  “What’s wrong?”

Sera takes a deep breath.  “Well, like, a lot.  I heard you and Jack arguing earlier.”

“I’m sorry you had to hear that.  But it’s okay.  We’re going to be okay.”

“Is _Jack_ gonna be okay?”

“We don’t know yet.”

“I don’t like not knowing what’s gonna happen.”

“Me neither, but we just have to communicate, be on the same page.”

Sera thinks about that.  The most basic ways of doing that just aren’t how she and Jack interact.  That time yesterday after the doctor’s was weird enough.  Hanging out and insulting each other at breakfast was much more comfortable.  There’s probably a way she can do this.

“Where is he?”

“In the garage.”

“Okay.”  Sera gives her dad one last squeeze before going into the garage.

Sure enough, Jack is in there, bent over and buffing a scratch out of the bumper of his truck.  She doesn’t understand how he can spend so much time in here; it smells so musty, like oil and grease and all those other car fluids.

“Hey,” she says.

Jack glances up at her.  “Hey, yourself.”

“I just wanted to tell you something.”

“O . . . kay?” Jack says suspiciously, rising up to face her.

There are a lot of things she can say, but they’re all too sappy and sentimental.  So she settles for something simple.  “You better not die.  Because my dad’s gonna be really upset if you do and I won’t be able to deal with him moping around the house.  So . . . yeah.”

She turns, hoping to make a quick getaway, but Jack’s hand catches her around the wrist, spinning her back around and right into a hug.  Sera stiffens, not knowing how to react.

“I’ll try my best,” Jack says.  “Wouldn’t want put you through that.”

Sera’s lips twitch and she brings her arms up to hug back.

* * *

Jack rubs at his eyes, yawning as his head hangs over his laptop.  It’s been a long week.  He’s not angry with Koz anymore, who’s been chewing a lot of gum lately in an effort to stave off cravings.  Sera’s been snarkier than usual, which is great because it means she’s in a good mood, or at least trying to keep Jack in one.

He only missed work twice this week so far, compared to the four days last week.  He dragged himself to work today, because he’s taking off tomorrow, the day the diagnosis finally comes in.  His doctor called and informed him there were fewer samples in need of testing than usual, so Jack’s results will be ready sooner than expected.  He wasn’t sure if that made things worse or better.

Apparently, his anxious pacing was affecting Koz, so he made him go relax while he made dinner.  With nothing to distract him, Jack’s anxiety only grew, but Koz even refused to let him help cook, leaving him with only his laptop.  And the only thing he’s been using that for lately is looking up HIV resources, which also does nothing to help the anxiety, as much as it’s intended to.

After dinner, Jack’s determined to do _something_ , so he volunteers to take care of clean-up.  Koz seems hesitant, but Jack pushes him out of the kitchen with a reminder that a new episode of _Mad Men_ —“One of the last ones!  You shouldn’t miss it!"—will be on soon.  Finally content with something distracting to do, Jack loads the dishwasher and wipes down the counters.  Then he notices the pile of junk near the garage door, which has become a dumping ground for odds and ends found in pockets when coming home.  Caught up in his cleaning spree, Jack decides to tackle that as well.

Jack notices a lanyard he thought was lost near the bottom of the pile and tries to pull it out, causing Koz’s work bag, perched precariously on the top of the pile, to slide off to the floor.  Its contents spill out across the tile and Jack frowns unhappily at the mess before bending down to pick it up.  Before he can get very far, something from the bag catches his attention: a pack of Camel Silvers.

Narrowing his eyes, Jack picks up the pack and flips it open to find half the cigarettes gone.  It seems Koz has had it for a while.  With a frown, he goes off to confront him about this.

* * *

Later that night, Koz feels like shit.  He knew buying the cigarettes and keeping it from Jack was wrong when he did it, but now he knows even more after getting reamed out by Jack, though that’s too gentle a phrase.  He’s furious, and rightly so.  Koz is not surprised—though still upset—when, as they’re getting ready for bed, Jack grabs a pillow and a blanket and starts to head out of the room.

“Where are you going?” Koz asks, distressed.

Jack barely glances over his shoulder at him.  “I’m going to sleep on the couch.”

“I’m the one who did something wrong, so I should be the one doing that.”

“Well, I didn’t want to kick you to the couch in your own house, but if you’re offering . . .”  Jack throws the pillow at him and climbs into bed, keeping his back to him as he pulls the sheets up.

Frowning sadly at Jack’s back, Koz tries to think of something to say, but he knows going is the best way to make things better.

Once downstairs and on the couch, Koz struggles with the blanket, which is too short to cover both his chest and feet at the same time.  He lies there futily for several minutes before he forces himself up to get more blankets.  He arranges the throw pillows and beats the cushions, but it’s still not comfortable.

He eventually gets settled enough to doze, but the creaking of the stairs wakes him up.  He hopes it isn’t Sera; she doesn’t need to see any more fighting between him and Jack.  From the footsteps in the hallway, though, he can tell it’s not her.  Curious and a bit nervous, Koz waits for Jack’s dark outline to appear in the doorway.

“Koz,” Jack whispers, “are you awake?”

He sits up, still staring at the door way.  “Yeah.”

Jack approaches the couch, his hand reaching out, searching in the dark.  Koz takes his hand and, holding it gently, guides him closer.  Once they’re both sitting on the couch, Jack latches onto him.  Surprised, but not displeased, Koz leans back so they’re reclined and comfortable.

“I’m sorry,” Jack murmurs into Koz’s shoulder.

“There’s nothing for you to be sorry for.  _I_ should be the one apologizing.”

“You already did, though.  I was just being stubborn.”

“With good reason.”

“But I couldn’t sleep.  I felt awful kicking you out of your own bed and getting mad about something so . . . so stupid, when . . .”  Jack’s voice breaks and trails off.

“You don’t—” Koz starts, but he quickly chokes up.

“No, I _do_ have to!  I don’t want us to be fighting, not now.  Not when I could be . . . _dying_.”  Jack’s voice gets quieter and quieter, until the last word was barely more than a whisper, but there’s no way Koz could have mistaken it for anything else.  He wants to tell Jack not to say that, that they don’t know for sure, but it’s about time they both faced this.  They’ve been dancing around having a serious conversation about it and the whole thing with the cigarettes only put it off longer.

“I don’t want to fight either, but your anger at me is completely justified.”

“I don’t want to be angry anymore.  Sure, it hurt me, but it would hurt me so much more if I lost you.”

“You’re not going to lose me, Jack.  _Especially_ not now.  I’ll always be here if you need me.”

“ _You_ might lose _me_.”

Koz swallows past the lump in his throat that appeared at those words.  “I can’t deny that.”

“I’m sorry for bringing all this up—”

“Jack, no.  This is something we need to talk about.  It’s just . . . difficult for both of us and that’s understandable.  I don’t really know what to say to make you feel better.”

“Then forget about my feelings.  Just tell me the truth.”

“The truth about what?”

“Anything.  I just need something that’s a guarantee.”

“Okay, I can do that.  I love you.  That will always be true.  If you aren’t HIV positive, I’m not leaving you.  If you _are_ HIV positive, I’m also not leaving you.  And—it’s ultimately up to you—but I hope you don’t leave me either.  We can get through this together.”  There’s one more thing Koz needs to say and he takes a deep breath to steel himself.  “I love you and I want marry you.”

Jack briefly presses his face into Koz’s shoulder before pulling back and laughing.  “I had no idea the truth would be so sappy.”

“It’s me.  What else did you expect?”  Koz laughs in response.

“I honestly don’t know,” Jack says, a familiar smile lighting his face.

Koz returns it and reaches his hand up to cup the back of Jack’s neck, pulling him in for a kiss.  Worry flashes in Jack’s eyes the moment before their lips connected, but he melts into the kiss.  Koz understands, but he doesn’t want to have that particular fear and worry himself.  He will kiss Jack if he wants!  _That_ won’t be taken away from him.

Jack rests his head on Koz’s shoulder, settling in to go to sleep.  Koz shifts so they are both more comfortable and tucks Jack’s head under his chin.

* * *

Unsurprisingly, Koz wakes up first, immediately remembering it’s the day Jack’s diagnosis will come in.  Jack shows no signs of stirring, even as Koz hugs him tightly before getting up and spreading the blankets over him.  Anxiety shocks his system as he’s upstairs getting dressed, but he forces himself to go about things as usual.  Once he’s ready, he puts some coffee on and shakes Jack awake.

“Good morning,” he says and Jack just groans in annoyance.  “Come have some coffee with me.”

He pours a cup for each of them as Jack drags himself into the kitchen and slumps down at the table.

“How are you doing?” Koz asks.

“Scared shitless.”  Jack wraps his hands around his mug, staring into the black coffee, not moving to add the ungodly amount of sugar he usually did.  “So . . . what you said last night . . . about wanting to marry me . . .”

“Yes?” Koz asks, smiling fondly.

“Were . . . are you serious?  Is that really what you want?”

“I’m absolutely positive.”

Jack looks at him with the same smile from last night, his eyes shining.  Koz leans over and kisses him, reluctantly pulling away as his watch beeps, letting him know it’s time to leave.

“I’ve got to go, but call me as soon as you find out, okay?”

“Of course.”

“Sera!  Hurry up!” he calls upstairs before rinsing his empty mug out in the sink.  The pack of cigarettes catches his eye, lying on the counter, forgotten from last night.  There’s a flurry of commotion as Sera comes into the kitchen and complains about not having time to eat breakfast.  With Jack distracted by teasing her, he grabs it, tosses it into the trash, and kisses Jack one last time before picking up his bag and heading out the door.

Sera’s quiet for most of the car ride as she eats the apple she brought, but, when she finishes, she turns to him.  “So, how’re you holding up?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I know the diagnosis comes in today!  I’m surprised you didn’t take off work to sit at home and be a nervous wreck.”

Koz chuckles under his breath and glances away from the road to give Sera a teasing look.  “I can be a nervous wreck at work, thank you very much.”

Sera laughs, but quickly grows serious.  “Whatever it ends up being, Jack’s gonna be okay, Dad.  Communication, remember?  Speaking of that, thanks for telling me you’re engaged now.”

It takes Koz a moment to remember that actually happened.  It sends a thrill of happiness through his entire body.  “What did I tell you about listening on the stairs?”

“What did _I_ tell _you_ about the likelihood of me stopping that?” Sera asks mischievously as they pull up in front of the high school.  “By the way, what happened with the cigarettes?”

Koz shakes his head.  He needs to soundproof a room for serious conversations.  “In the trash and don’t even think about it.”

“I’m just making sure!”

“Have a good day at school, you brat,” Koz says.  “Love you.”

“Love you, too.” Sera leans over to give him a kiss on the cheek.  She hops out of the car and calls behind her, “Remember what I said!”

The much quieter ride to work gives him plenty of time to think up the worst scenarios that could happen.  What if Jack gets into a car accident on his way to pick up the results?  What if Jack falls asleep and doesn’t pick them up and then they’re closed for vacation or something and they have to wait weeks to find out?  What if it’s something even worse than HIV?

Those thoughts plague him all morning, leaving him unable to do anything but busywork in an attempt to keep his mind occupied.  He’s so absorbed in it that he nearly jumps out of his chair when the phone rings.  The line it’s ringing from indicates it’s an internal call, so he doesn’t bother trying to be formal when answering.

“Hello, it’s Kozmotis.”

“Kozmotis, this is Charlene at the front desk.  Jack is here to see you.”

He drops the pen he’s fiddling with.  “Tell him I’ll be right there.”

His mind races as fast as he does on his way to the lobby.  What could have possibly happened that Jack came to see him, instead of calling?  He didn’t even do that when first finding out about this whole thing!

As he jogs down the hallway, he catches a glimpse of Jack standing impatiently in the lobby.  He looks up and see him.

“Koz!”  Jack runs toward him, the smile on his face the brightest he’s seen it in a while, screaming, “I have mono!”

He launches himself into Koz’s not-waiting arms, knocking him down.  Koz lands heavily on the floor, but he couldn’t care less.  He’s smiling just as hard as Jack.  His burst of laughter is muffled as Jack kisses him.

He doesn’t care that people are staring at them or that his shirt is getting wrinkled.  He only cares that Jack’s okay, Jack’s not sick—well, he _is_ sick, just not with something as awful as they thought.

That’s when he remembers that he’s never had mono.  And that Jack’s probably still contagious.  And that he’s kissing him _right now_.  And that he actually doesn’t give a damn at all.

**Author's Note:**

> I got this idea when I overheard someone say, "So it turns out I didn't have HIV. I just had mono." I knew I just had to write a heart-wrenching fic about it.
> 
> I'm thinking of a writing an epilogue-like thing for this, mostly to get some smut. Thoughts?


End file.
